Out of These Ashes - a Wholly Committed Heart

I've always had a love of learning. A love of knowledge. A burning desire to know more, read more, learn more. But knowledge can be wasted if we only use it for ourselves and don't share what we know.

And as much as I love learning, there are things I wish I had never learned. 

I wish that I didn't know what a baby looked like at 22 weeks gestation. A perfect, beautiful, baby boy that had all of his fingers and toes, but not a single breath left. 

I wish that I didn't know that hospitals mark your name outside your recovery room differently when you've had a stillbirth, so that any hospital staff entering that room know. (The next time you're visiting a friend who's just had a baby, look around and see if you can't tell the difference - ask God to give you a heart to notice).

I wish I didn't know that urns come that small. Tiny little jars that can hold a whole person.

There are so many things that I wish I hadn't learned, but now that I do, what do I do with it all?

When we're in the midst of a storm, we can't see the other side. We don't know how it's going to turn out. But we don't forget. We hold onto what we've been through and we have two choices: do nothing or use it for good.

I've felt for sometime now that God was calling me to a new place. Somewhere that can take my experiences, His love, and new knowledge and use it for more than just myself. A place where I am wholly committed to His plan for my life and to allow what was meant for evil to be used for good (Genesis 5:20). 

That's why I'm so excited to share that I'm officially applying to the online program in Marriage and Family Therapy at Liberty University! My prayer is to become a licensed therapist and certified grief counselor, where I hope to specialize in pregnancy loss and infertility. And maybe, someday, to write a devotional for women who've experienced a loss like mine.

Now if God had told me five years ago today, after twelve hours of labor and holding my son that I wouldn't get to bring home that this is where I'd be, I would have never believed Him. But I wasn't ready, and He knew that. That was just the beginning of getting me ready for what lies ahead. Where He began His plan to use me, but only if I let Him. Where He allowed me to go through the worst night of my life in order to help other women through theirs. 

If you hold on long enough, you do get to see God's plan; His beautiful, absolutely perfect plan. It's often very different than how we thought it would all play out. But that's the beauty of it all. When we completely surrender to God everything we have and everything we are, when we are wholly committed to His will, we get something so much better - a life that can truly be used.